There are so much random thoughts that are running in my mind right now. I just know that I am not the same girl anymore, and I guess that it would really take a long time before I can fully stand up on my own again – the same smile, the same genuine laugh, the trust that I give to people that’s just isn’t in me anymore.
I always feared of death. I don’t know, but whenever I remember people, most especially the famous ones, who died unexpectedly, I feel scared, I feel the detachment of my soul from my body. Maybe because, I am always the sentimental type. I hold on to memories too much. I fear that things will never be the same the way they were, if the time comes that someone close to me dies. I just can’t think about death for more than 10 minutes.. but there’s this strange change of feeling now, I am afraid that people will die, but I feel like when I’m the one who’s gonna die, I’d be ready. Or maybe because Im just too tired with my life right now. God knows how much I feel so alone all the time. I feel so unloved. I always curl up in bed, always trying to put myself to sleep regardless of the time. There are times when I just want to shut myself from the world. Whenever someone texts me, it takes me some hours to reply. I just feel lazy already. I haven’t reviewed a single thing. I’d rather sleep. I watch the same movie up to five times straight in a day, eat from time to time, then sleep again. My eyes hurt not from crying but because I am damn tired of everything. I feel so helpless. I do not know what to do. I feel so worthless. I constantly say to myself that I am not good enough for anyone. And no one really understands.